They say the sooner you realize people are selfish and don’t care about you the better off you will be. This may be the case, however, I have spent my whole life trying to develop this barrier against others and always fail to do so. No matter how hard I try, my heart always leads the way..never my brain. I admit I am an emotional person. But that is who I am, and I have come to fully accept that.
Yes, there are improvements I have made in my life in the last few years, and there are many more that need to be made, but becoming a cold hard rock is not on my list. Why try to be something you are not?
I hope to keep the few close friends I trust, and am embracing the new people that have recently walked into my life as well. Because “it doesn’t matter who has been there the longest, what matters is who came and never left your side,” said someone.
Any moment I am feeling completely and utterly alone I think of my family back home….sometimes I forget to do that…
A few days ago I got to the point where I felt like I was spinning in circles in my mind, lost as (insert metaphor here)….suddenly I felt so dizzy that I finally fell to the floor lying on my back in an empty field and realized I have forgotten about God. I am never truly alone. Loneliness is a scary thing. I have difficulty dealing with it sometimes. Because the moments when I am alone I start over thinking things like most people do. However, I do it to the point where I drag myself into a rut which I can’t get out of for days. I do it to the point where I am paranoid about everyone around me and how they feel about me. This roots from the people I once surrounded myself with who made up lies about me….But basically, it’s like I drank a spoonful of depression. It doesn’t taste any better than the liquid poison your parents gave you as a child to make you recover from sickness.
Anyways, I found exercise, keeping organized, and busy generally helps people like myself who tend to mull things over in their minds for too long.